Read It Or Not, I Really Don't Care
by don't worry about my name
Summary: This fanfic is the Naruto universe on crack; a story strung together by really bad writing and sexual innuendos. Read at your own risk. Inspired by Legendary Legacy's "A Freak, A Creep, And A Psychopath".


"So, team, why don't we start with introducing ourselves? You can begin with your likes, dislikes, hobbies, and goals for the future."

"Um, sensei, shouldn't you begin first since, well, you _are_ the sensei."

Kakashi rolled his only visible eye. "Well, although I didn't ask for your unsolicited, and quite frankly, unwanted suggestion to adjusting how this preamble should begin, I suppose you raise a good point." He cleared his throat, and took a momentary pause before beginning.

"Well, my name is Kakashi."

"Kakashi? Kakashi what?" Naruto interjected, raising a brow. "You ain't got a last name? You're parents just named you Kakashi?" he added sarcastically, earning a small chuckle from both his teammates. Kakashi turned his one-eyed gaze towards him, raising a brow, although it wasn't visible.

"Well, smartass, I find it unnecessary to include that information. It's not as if you're going to be addressing me by my full name every time we engage in conversation. But, for your sake, although I don't care for your sake very much, my full name is Kakashi Paul Hatake. Does that make you more comfortable?"

"Yes, Paul, thank you." Naruto never noticed the momentary activation of the sharingan beneath Kakashi's headband. With silence ensuing Naruto's quip, the team sat awkwardly, awaiting Kakashi continuation of his introduction.

"Ah-hm," Sakura coughed. "You may continue, sensei."

"Well, now that I have formal permission from our delegated queen, continuing on. I like anything unassociated with the color orange, and dislike anything even resembling the color," he gave a momentary pause to eye the blonde's very-much orange outfit before continuing. He never noticed the way Naruto's eyes momentarily turned red before returning back to their native cerulean. "My hobbies are really none of your business, and as for my goals for the future; well, I haven't really given it much thought."

"So, all we know about you is your name?" Sakura spoke up, a look of disappointment constructing her face.

"Well, actually, that was your first test. I was trying to see on how much you could pick up about me with the minimal information I gave you. And seeing as how that's all you grasped from this exercise, I don't think I feel very safe knowing ninjas like you are going to be responsible for the wellbeing of the village."

Sakura's look of shock seemed to resonate the rest of the team's' thoughts. None of them were quite expecting that. Naruto, seeing as how he had embarrassed Sakura, turned to Kakashi with a hard look.

"As sensei, aren't you supposed to encourage your students to want to do well? Not belittle them before they're barely a ninja."

"Ah, But it's also my job as a sensei to weed out those who aren't ready to be a ninja at all," Kakashi quickly countered, giving Sakura a quick once over, before turning back to Naruto.

"Since, you like to talk, seeing as how you interjected my dialogue not once but twice now, how would you like to introduce yourself next?"

Naruto huffed, mumbling something like 'insensitive cyclops' under his breath - although one couldn't be sure - before continuing. "Well, my name is Naruto."

"Naruto what?" Kakashi said before the blonde could continue. "You were just named Naruto? You weren't given a last name?"

Naruto eyed the man. Hadn't they gone through this? What reply was he expecting from Naruto other than the one Naruto had received from him? It was just a time-wasting repetition.

"Are you going to be addressing me by my full name every time you engage in conversation with me?" Naruto countered, adding as much mockery to his voice as he could muster.

"Actually, I will," Kakashi replied, ditching his slouching position on the railing as he sat up a little straighter. "I will be addressing you by your last names. Military protocol. You haven't earned the right to be addressed respectfully yet."

Naruto was going to make some kind of sarcastic remark, when Sasuke piped up. "Can we just hurry it with the introductions? This has already taken up much more of my time than I would have liked. You guys are taking, like, three years to finish this thing. We could've probably been on our first mission by now." He said exaggeratedly, directing a piercing look to the blonde, then towards Kakashi.

Naruto decided to just continue his introduction. "Anyways, I like ramen, Sakura, practicing taijutsu on my Sasuke doll at home-"

"Why the hell do you have a doll of me at home, you weirdo?"

"Voodoo purposes. Anyways, I dislike anyone who dislikes the color orange, so I'll be ordering a doll of Kakashi as well pretty soon. My hobbies are watering plants, writing music and poetry, drawing, and doing voodoo on Sasuke."

"Can you stop!? You're really creeping me out!"

Naruto shrugged. "And my goal for the future is to become Hokage so that I can punish anyone more than 10 minutes late to a meeting," he paused, giving Kakashi a knowing look, before adding, "and to legalize the use of witchcraft on persons specifically named Sasuke Uchiha."

It was quiet for a few moments. Kakashi was the first to speak. "Driving the conversation away from things concerning occultic practices, Sakura; would you like to go next?"

Sakura stopped what she was doing, which was drawing a picture of a dark haired man - which creepily resembled Sasuke - being carried off by a pink puff of hair into the sunset. She quickly hid the drawing beneath her lap and straightened up with a cough.

"Well, um, m-my name is Sakura Haruno. Um, my likes are…" she paused for a moment and then giggled. "My dislikes are Sasuke Uchiha. My hobbies are stalking- um,er, I mean, respectfully keeping a relative but close enough distance to efficiently collect information about people who look perfect to experiment on - er, I mean, to obtain friendship with. Yeah, that. And my goal for the future is to live in a world Sasuke-free."

"If you hate me so much, why the hell did you draw a picture of us running off into the sunset?" Sasuke questioned, giving the kunoichi a hard look.

"Oh, this?" she asked, taking the poorly drawn depiction of the two of them from beneath her lap and holding it for Sasuke to see. "If I _didn't_ hate you, why else would I be carrying you off into a 27 million degree round orb of death? I don't know how you could mistake this for being romantic, Uchiha. Sounds to me like you watch too many really crappy romance movies."

A look of confusion marred the Uchiha's face, before deciding to reject the idea of furthering that discussion. And then Kakashi spoke up.

"Wow, it seems that you don't have much fans, Uchiha. Huh. And here I thought you were this lovable ball of sunshine and rainbows. But, no matter how much we dislike you, the fact remains that you are still on this team, and therefore, have to abide by my instructions. Your turn for your introduction."

Sasuke sighed, stuffing his hands into his pocket, and looked away disinterestedly. He didn't care much for people saying they didn't like him. They could be talking about the weather, and he'd have just as much interest in hearing what they have to say.

"Anyways, my name is Sasuke Uchiha. I don't quite have a list of things I like - because Sasuke Uchiha just isn't the type of person who _likes_ things - but I have a feeling 'time away from this team' is going to contribute to the list pretty soon. My dislikes are voodoo-loving, horrendously orange clad wearing ninjas, if you can even call them ninjas. My hobbies are training and pressing flowers. And as for my goals for the future… It's not so much a goal as an ambition, because it _will_ happen, is to kill a certain man."

"Woah, okay then. Calm down there Mr. I'm-A-Cold-Blooded-Killer-Who-Will-Leave-The-Village-In-Approximately-The-Next-Year-Or-So-And-Go-Train-With-Orochimaru-To-Attain-Power." Naruto mocked, nudging Sakura who laughed with him.

"That was a really vivid description that I feel is an adverse telling of the near future… But it was pretty funny." Kakashi chuckled, giving Naruto a nod in acknowledgement. Naruto winked in return.

"So, that ends Day 1 as Team 7. I do hope this little gathering has really encouraged you guys to get to know one another and become a team, maybe even a family."

"Ugh, I think I just puked in my mouth." Sakura said disgustedly, feigning sickness.

"Speaking of ejecting matter from the stomach through the mouth, I would advise you not to eat breakfast tomorrow before coming to training ground 6. Be there at EXACTLY 5 tomorrow. A minute later, and there WILL be dire consequences." As he concluded, a sheet of darkness began to roll out of nowhere, slowly encompassing the perpetual light of the sun's rays, leaving an uneasy feeling of disturbance in its wake.

Ignoring all the deadly killer intent surrounding them, a certain blonde piped up. "Or what?"

The darkness immediately rolled back up like a carpet into wherever it came from, and it once again transformed into day. Kakashi shrugged casually. "I don't know. I'll think of something tonight."

And with that, he dismissed them.


End file.
